My family and I have moved through a lot over the last few years-including an actual move. I've come to notice that I’ve mentally chosen to not settle in; curiously, it just seems unwise. Instead, I’ve chosen to keep a steady eye out for more unwanted changes. Because of this I’ve remained inside the uncertainty of uncertainty. Imagine that! For the most part, daily life has returned to normal, but I’ve found it hard to relax into a new normal when things just don’t feel as if they are. Instinctively, I've remained on high-alert.
However, recently, in my daily devotional, the question was asked, “What has been harassing your mind?” The writer then instructed the reader to replace the harassing thought with a promise from God’s Word. You know, a foundational truth that gives assurance. From the top of my head I chose:
“You are my rock and my redeemer;
my God in whom I trust.”
Finding that scripture was easy and the assignment did its job. I quickly recognized why I am still feeling unsettled. I am not trusting the outcome. Though time has passed, I still sense the aftermath of a devastating storm. Certain foundational provisions, that provided protection and stability were blown away and I feel scattered. It is hard to put into words, but for anyone who has gone through any form of devastation, you know what I mean. There is always a great amount of work to be done after big events and it can be overwhelming. I don't trust that the clean-up is complete. It seems there are still some things to be worked out, and worked on. In my mind's eye, we haven’t gotten to the bottom of it.
This reminds me of being a little girl and taking outings to this very large, local pool; I believe it was 12 feet deep. My friends and I would take turns swimming to the bottom. I’d dive with all the courage I could muster and then take a huge push off the floor and begin to make way back to the surface. I’d look up and see the sunlight flickering off the top of the water and feel the breath trapped in my lungs. I’d start to kick faster, feeling the desperate need to inhale. It felt like an eternity and I’d feel great joy and huge relief as my head burst through that gap between total silence and fresh air.
I’m only now recognizing that this is the state of my current being: I feel as if I’m still underwater. Like that little girl, I fear I haven’t touched bottom and I know I’m gonna need a huge push off when I get there. I’m holding my breath and feel a little panicked right now. How much harder do I need to swim to get there? Should I turn around now? When is that push-off gonna happen? Wait, is it going to?
You see, I’ve been wondering if things are going to return to “normal” and with lack of breath and capacity, I’m inwardly screaming, ‘The sooner the better’. Every aspect of our family life is different now. Mentally and emotionally, I’m still swimming through water, living inside that gap, where I can literally see life as it was and also sense that my life isn’t quite where it should be. I’m treading within some sort of flux where panic and confidence both want to be part of the story.
Living in the space of the “in-between” isn’t for the faint of heart. It is times like this when life tests one’s faith. It all comes down to an issue of trust. It is amazing how the lack of trust can play havoc on one’s life, if we allow it. The question now becomes, “Do I trust the One I call my Rock?” You see, trust is a choice and the human mind uses all sorts of analytics to determine if it could and should be extended. This is what I’ve been doing with the God of the Universe.
I must humbly accept that I cannot stay in this state of fluidity, treading between panic and trust. Feeling this personal pressure, as if stuck under water, will inevitably bring with it a desperate need for air. While gasping with clarity, I must confess that some life-events are beyond my mind’s width and breath. Remaining in this place of uncertainty will drown out my very life force. My immediate choice has become this: To choose to trust God or stay stuck in the in-between. It’s actually easy to see which one is the better choice. It’s time for me to push up, using the faith I profess and trust that God is in control. I must decide, this very moment, to trust the One I intuitively call “my Rock and my Redeemer”.
Actually, this is the choice for all of us. Our human heart has the capacity to believe and trust in God even when we're treading in the depths of uncertainty; however, the question is, will we? The power of the mind 'to choose' brings with it the issues of life and death. Scripturally, we are called to choose life and live. In doing so we usher in the power of God to make His move on our behalf. Let’s courageously take a big gulp of air and choose well.
Song Recommendation:
It Is Well
BY: Kristene DiMarco
“This day I call the heavens and the earth
as witnesses against you
That I have set before you
life and death, blessings and curses.
Now chose life,
So that you and your children may live.”
Deuteronomy 30:19
"The Lord is my rock, and my fortress
and my deliverer; My God, my strength,
in whom I trust;"
Psalm 18:2 KJV
No comments:
Post a Comment