With childhood dreams as evidence…and with the ups and downs
of a 24-year marriage as an example (that
includes a divorce and a re-marriage) I write this page. I feel that sharing this info as words of encouragement
or perhaps to deliver a “revelation” is important because, in my experience,
some things just aren’t talked about and I believe many people have the same,
subconscious misconceptions that need to be outed!!! With uncertainty as to whether these words
should be shared…but with the deep conviction that everyone can and will
relate…I’ll share this passage:
To seek fulfillment from another human seems normal but
simply is not wise. It’s not talked
about much but lived out daily with much drama!!! Here it is:
We all seem to inherently hold to the psychology that within marriage we
should find a romantic haven, the better part of ourselves; our other half, or
in the least, some deserved or even earned happiness from our beloved. Living within my marriage, reflectively looking around and respectfully
peering into the marriages around me I can say, without a doubt, that happiness
is not the central premise of a marriage.
Happiness is hopefully a part of it, yes…but not the overall result of our marital unions.
With many folks stepping into their 2nd or 3rd
marriage I’d say that the dream of finding contentment or “wholeness” within a
marital union is a misunderstood concept and an unrealistic goal of
marriage. Many folks have stepped out of
Divorce Court with a devastating awakening to reality that marriage isn’t as
easy as it looks and certainly isn’t an institution where in one finds their
other half. Blessings to those who have come to that
realization; “Hold on tight” for those just coming to this realization and “Hello”
to those who have not yet seen this coming!
Even though years have past since my childhood dream of a
perfect wedding and a happy-go-lucky marriage- life has proved those lost
dreams to be a derivative of undisclosed information about how difficult
marriage truly is. I suppose most people just believe that “it goes without saying”.
With the divorce rate where it is I can confidently say “it
doesn’t”!!! Even still, with
romantic socialization burned into my brain, I subconsciously cling to the
notion that I am supposed to find my life’s happiness and some sort of “deserved”
or “serendipitous” contentment from my
spouse. Why do I think that? Why in the world would a person, just as
scarred and broken as myself, have what I need to be content? This isn’t an
insult to my husband…. just a repercussion of living in a sinful, cruel world.
This devastating awakening brings to vivid color a thing
called “reality”. What it truly is- is maturity. When reality slaps our marriages around
enough we have the opportunity to pause and see the truth that marriage is a union that purposely
tames our selfishness, puts away our personal expectations, tucks away our
tempestuousness, and opens the door to long-suffering wherein one finds patience. Then, after years of enduring, managing,
hoping, wishing and (if divorce doesn’t happen 1st) waiting, the
doors that are usually slammed shut with marital discord will fling open with
the power of maturity at hand, ready to set up house in our marriage.
Seeking this said maturity, my husband and I worked through about a year of Christian
Marriage Counseling and within that year we learned a thing or two. The main thing this did was give us an hour
every week or so to speak out-loud to each other and with mediation, find a way
to hear what the other said. It did not
inherently change me or him…but it became a glue that was a welcomed balm and
it opened our eyes to what we could change….and that was simply our self!
Change is a stealth creature. It lurks in quiet places and doesn’t reveal
itself until much time has passed. Even
then, it’s not quite noticeable, for it has morphed ever-so-slowly into
existence and barely into our consciousness.
Wouldn’t it be nice if change would present itself with all the hoopla
of a ticker tape parade? But, it just
does not happen. The habits of a lifetime
and the stubbornness of humanity simply will not be that accommodating.
When we allow marriage to smooth away our sharp edges it balances
many things inside us. Our outside demeanor
takes on the countenance of what time brought:
we have found balance! The word
balance, in itself, recognizes that this is a work in progress. For something to remain balanced it must sit
just so- in it’s place. There will be
teetering and tottering…. but the maturity that time created will find a way to
steady itself! The household will have
balance and so will those who live within it.
We will take balance with us to work, the kids will sense it and find
contentment in the perseverance that we parents exhibit and balance will do
its job!
Just as the cake
topper of man and wife sits nicely balanced on the top of the wedding cake….so
it goes with the entire marriage. We
stand, shoulder-to-shoulder, facing the precarious on day one and this never
changes! Balance takes consistency and the statement
“till death do we part” allows time to say “gotcha”. With those sacred words we agree to a lifetime on a
Teeter Totter! With the implications of
that- we find that marriage isn’t a wedding or making it to next year’s anniversary….
it is a living institution that becomes a life-style that takes a lifetime and
produces a legacy for the two that lived it and for those who watched--- as time
etched and scratched, crept and crawled, and maneuvered itself in and through two
people’s lives.
This is dedicated to my parents, Bob & Ruth Abrams-
who just celebrated their 55th Wedding Anniversary!
Also, to my husband who has been on the Tetter-Totter with me for almost 25 years!
At times we lose our way- but then, through grace, we find each other again
and regain balance...and peace!
Also, to my husband who has been on the Tetter-Totter with me for almost 25 years!
At times we lose our way- but then, through grace, we find each other again
and regain balance...and peace!
Song Recommendations:
Broken Together
By: Casting Crowns
Beloved
By: Jordan Feliz
Fantastic observations put into eloquent words!
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